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It is SO nice to be able to slip back in here and see that there is stil life in them thar friend's feed.

ear-worms ... and bull

i have two

yes. two.

ear-worms going thru my head today and they are nowhere near each other on pretty much ANY scale ... have a look ...

that was first thing this morning until ... well, still but NOW combined with ... while i was cleaning

the video is just my kind of WhAT?! lol.

ps. inspired by molasses to come back ... love you peachy!

blah blah blah depression ...

i really feel sometimes as if i will never outrun this depression. my mood swings are just ... painful. i guess at least i am not getting manic, thanks to no coffee ... but. when the lack of passion hits and the dreams are covered in a pea soup funkfog ... i just want to cry.

and i think people are sick of me crying. i think everyone is tired of this. ... well, not as tired as i am. because when this hits, i 'fake it to make it' but i beginning to think this is not the best path. i know that 'faking it' can reroute the neurons and create a new pathway ... just seems to me as if they jump the tracks.

so i wonder what it is i am passionate about without someone else's suggestion. ... i guess these are not the times to consider it.

you know this boogie is for real ...

Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance
Off these bad times I'm going through just dance
Got canned heat in my heals tonight baby

I feel the thunder, see the lightning
I know this anger's Heaven sent
So I've got to hang out all my hang-ups
Because of the boogie I feel so hell bent ...

peace meal ...

can anyone tell me what it's like to feel like to be grown up? because, honestly. i don't. it's all a make believe game to me. not exactly sure what my reality is ... i am beginning to feel as if i do not have one.

or, like string theory, i have many ... at least 6. all going on at once.

i feel ache from head to toe. the stress of the last month dripping out of me. have taken the rest of the week off and am very proud of myself for it. i am also [under my breath] 'expecting' a call from work wondering wtf i think i am doing.

i say this is part of my recovery. not only from the past month, but from the notion that i have to please everyone else and always push myself to be the 'good' girl'

actually. make that 'the exceptional girl." no halfsies here. i can be very hard on myself. i see this turning around though. but ideas linger like wafts of smoke. curling round my self and making me question.

i expect even more that all is well and all matter of things are well. and this is that and that is this and that is that.

seriously. even my eyelids!

on another note, i have way too many yoga pants! seriously. work, dirty work,lounge and summer linen. 
you know you said it. ;-]

we all know it's true.

my brother died on january 16th. he was 56. a massive rupture to his mitral valve. it's in the back of the heart and hard to detect unless one was born with a murmur. that's where that sound comes from. the mitral valve. it was a shock, to say the least.
he was a cross country skier/coach. a runner. a log distance biker. mostly vegetarian. BUT he was also immensely stressed [in a job he was brilliant at]. and carried a very deep heartache after our mother died [1985]. he felt he had missed out on love. he had no wife or children. two divorces.

he didn't see it. i know he can see it now. he says, "next time" ... at the moment he is surrounding me. time/place has no construct 'where' he is. but he and i have always had work to do together. we just didn't plan on it in this manner. *grin*

i just spent last weekend [the second weekend in the month since he passed] cleaning out his flat. he and i were so much alike. SO much. in our younger days we were conscious of the psychic link. he suppressed it later though. but i always knew when something was up.

i have gone from emptying out his flat to filling my house. family treasures and furniture that he has kept [maybe not nurtured. lol] all this time. the circle of life continues on even in heirlooms and tchotchke.

this whole things has had a strengthening effect on my anxiety and depression ... mostly restoring the trust in myself. i have been doing so much that i felt out of my league and it turns out if am very good at it ... even the not knowing.

the breakdown seems to have taught me some very important coping strategies and the fact that they come naturally to me now [or more naturally] is a blessing.

enjoy sweeties! :-*

snow falling on red maple ...


the beauty of it is ... glorious

changed the sheets on my bed to flannel. washing blankets and preparing a path to a deep meditative afternoon.

my mind was way unsettled this morning. it has been a very very long time since i was not able to sit for a full half hour. even in chatty mode, i have been able to sit within it ... but not this morning.

i woke and looked at the clock and it was 5. all those wakings at 520 and my body is into a rhythm.

perhaps meditating then was being called for. and then back to sleep as is my usual want. tomorrow then. i will keep the time.

and snow. and tomorrow sun. probably that brilliant blue jay sky that comes after the storms.

so. hot tea. two duvets. and while the laundry spins in various cycles i will settle into my spinning galaxy of a mind and swim.

i'm working ...

he's sleeping ...